American Women Are Crazy by Mike Brown

(If you want a wife get her from another country)

They try to act like men.

They walk like horses.

Many of them look like pigs.

The ones who appear physically attractive can most charitably be described as head cases. The things they do to themselves-abortions, birth control pills, anti-depressants and the like-more often than not render them clinically insane.

Even if they aren't chemicalizing themselves into insanity or gorging themselves on fast food into obesity, the odds are they're still crazy. Our whole society is saturated with the nonsense that women are men, only with different plumbing, and that they can and should be able to do anything a man can do.

For a man who wants a real woman who acts like a real woman, you have three choices:

1. Find a woman in one of our fifty states who is sure to turn out to be a fruitcake. May your chains rest lightly upon you.

2. Obtain one from overseas, where women are still raised and taught to act like women.

3. Find a woman here who has not had an abortion, has not been on anti-depressants or other hormone imbalancing substances, does not try to "be a man," and is capable of showing a man a little respect.

Why you need this book:

• If you were going to buy a horse, wouldn't you have it appraised first?

• If you were going to buy a new car or a new stereo, wouldn't you want to read Consumers' Report first?

• Now notice how many men enter into relationships, including marriage, based solely on a woman's physical appearance, what she says (as opposed to what she eventually does), and that most shallow of reasons for getting together-shared amusements?

• Have you had relationship problems in the past? Confused? Can't make sense of what women in this country do or say? The problem isn't you. It's American women. They're almost all crazy. Want to be able to recognize and identify the different types of craziness so you can avoid it (and them)?

Some of the insanity this book will help you to recognize:

• "I want to be financially independent."

Unless the alimony check doesn't arrive on time.

• "Can't we just be friends?"

Why would any normal heterosexual male want to waste the time when there are other, more willing women available?

• "You will have to take me as I am."

This is the common refrain of the fat and the obese. No, you don't "have to" do anything of the kind. There is a world full of women who keep themselves in shape. It's not a seller's market.

• "Men are only after one thing."

Even if that were true, there is one minor detail that most American women overlook: they aren't the only ones who possess that "one thing."

• "I don't remember agreeing to that."

Women the world over have a tendency toward selective amnesia. Get her promises in writing.

• "I tried to be a loyal, faithful wife to you."

Translation: I am now trying to justify my misbehavior by lying to myself and getting you to agree to the same set of lies, including the fact that I was putting out for another man while I was married to you.

• "It was someone else's fault we broke up."

Translation: I kicked you in the teeth enough times that you finally had enough. Now I need something that-once I get it-I will go south on you again.

• "I am who I say I am."

The odds are, she isn't. Better have her handwriting analyzed and get a private detective to follow her around.

• "I am a vegetarian."

Run, do not walk, away from this one. In 10-12 years such a woman will have to be carried in on a board due to a vitamin B12 deficiency (the liver can store 1000 times the amount of B12 the body needs and B12 is only available in a sufficient quantity from animal sources) and a child born of such a woman will often go into cardiac arrest shortly after birth.

• "You misunderstood what I said."

No, I didn't. You were just being a condescending know-it-all trying to justify herself.

• "I'm on anti-depressants (or birth control pills, or whatever)."

This one is eventually--if she hasn't already--going to have serious mood swings caused by hormone imbalances.

• "I eat well."

If this woman has fat (or obese) kids, no she doesn't. She's probably a user of breast implants, tummy tucks, facelifts, liposuction, etc.

• "Our computer profiles say we're compatible."

Translation: her set of lies in her profile matches your computer profile.

• "You have to make decisions with me 50-50."

Translation: You get to make decisions 50-50 with me only on the subjects I choose. If you think that she's going to make the decision as to when the two of you have sex 15 days out of the month and you're going to make the decision the other 15, forget it.